


Are you trying to seduce me, Master Baggins?

by nutzone



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: (prude-ish), Awkwardness, Confusion, Cultural Differences, Dwarf Culture & Customs, First Kiss, Fluff, Idiots, Light Angst, M/M, Oblivious Bilbo, Seduction, Thorin POV, Thorin is pining, Thorin thinks Bilbo is trying to get some, at all, dwalin thorin bromance, he just doesn't know it, prude thorin, sort of, thorin being a majestic 9 year old with a crush, when bilbo really isn't
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-25
Updated: 2014-02-25
Packaged: 2018-01-13 18:06:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1236043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nutzone/pseuds/nutzone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Burglar was trying to seduce him, Thorin was certain of it. But he would not let that menace of a vixen get to him, no, Thorin would show the hobbit that he was stronger than that. It was very hard to think straight when Bilbo exposed himself in such a way, though.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Are you trying to seduce me, Master Baggins?

**Author's Note:**

> when the text is marked with it means it's in khuzdul.

 

Thorin II ”Oakenshield”, son of Thrain, son of Thror, hero of Moria, King under the mountain, was in a bit of a pickle. He was brooding (not that this was unusual, mind you), and the cause of his troubles was the new burglar of the company.

This hobbit! Thought Thorin with a fierce scowl. How dare he speak about propriety, when he dresses as he does.  have hardly ever seen such openly wanton behavior!

As Bilbo was mounting his horse, his bottom was in a constant bouncing motion, and Thorin found himself unable to look away. The burglar’s clothes were snug; Thorin had never (not even in dwarven whore houses) seen trousers so tight fitting. It was scandalous, that’s what it was.

Not only were the trousers tight, no; they were also short. Indecently so. The hobbits ankles were completely exposed!

And what ankles. By Mahal!

Hairless as a babe, the hobbit was. Smooth, milky skin was completely bare for the world to see. His little legs continued all the way to his feet. Naked feet, of course, Thorin thought bitterly, completely naked, dirty and with a gathering of curls at the top.

Thorin had tried very hard not to look. But he soon realized, it was impossible(he was a dwarf, after all!) The burglar’s ankles were naked for everyone. But the ankles were not the worst of it. Thorin licked his suddenly very dry lips, and looked up at Bilbo’s neck. It felt horrendously rude, staring as he was, but Mahal have mercy, the Halfling was begging for it! He must know what effect he could have on dwarves. His skin looked impossibly soft. What must it feel like to caress that neck, to kiss it, Thorin often wondered.

Wars have started for less, Thorin thought miserably. He had absolutely no doubt that the burglar could cause dwarves to kill each other for him. But Thorin was not that dwarf, no sir. He was in control. This… this malicious siren of a hobbit would not get to him(although, judging by the sweat on the king’s forehead, and the hardness in his trousers, the hobbit already had).

Thorin could not lie to himself. He would love to yank the burglar off of his horse, press him up against a tree and make love to him until his voice was hoarse from screaming Thorin’s name. His fingers were itching from the sheer force of his yearning for the hobbit, but even as his blood was burning with want, he could not let the burglar win. He knew better than to give in to his desires. Thorin narrowed his eyes and bit his lip. The burglar was obviously trying to seduce him, trying to entrance Thorin into loving him, so that he could become ruler of Erebor once it had been reclaimed.

The bloody burglar was smart, Thorin admitted, but Thorin had the upper hand.

This madness went on for hours, until finally the company decided to stay the night in the forest and rest.  They lay out their bedrolls and put on a fire, and soon Bombur was making food, Bofur was singing and Dori and Nori were arguing. , When the  stew was ready, the dwarves all sat around the fire like a ring(Gandalf had gone away for a smoke, he said).

Thorin found, as he tried to focus solely on his meal, that in the firelight, Bilbo was even more enticing. The light was reflected in his hair and eyes, and as he threw his head back and laughed at something Bofur said, his neck and adam’s apple were just a meter away from Thorin. It was torture, delightful torture to sit by and watch the little one put the spoon in his mouth, when Thorin knew about a thing or two he’d like to stuff the halfling’s mouth full with.

Bilbo’s lips were red from the tomato sauce, and Thorin found that he’d much enjoy to lick that redness away. Bombur was an excellent cook, but perhaps, if one enjoyed the taste of his dishes along with the taste of a Halfling, it would be even better…

No! Thorin thought. I must not let the Halfling know that his strategies are fruitful. He should know better than to challenge me!

“You seem very amused, burglar.”

The effect of Thorin’s voice was immediate upon Bilbo, who froze on spot and looked down at Thorin’s boots.

“Yes. Yes, I w-“, Bilbo said, but then seemed to change his mind, and looked up at Thorin with shaky eyes, “Is that. Is that forbidden?”

The fireside became quiet as the grave. Now that he had the burglar’s attention, Thorin felt his insides twist in a way that wasn’t entirely unpleasant.

“Enjoy yourself, please do. Considering how much of a burglar you seem to be, it might be your last chance to have a good time.”

Bilbo looked down and clenched his fists. Serves him right, Thorin thought (but not without a bad feeling in his stomach). That half-pint was nothing but trouble. He should know exactly what Thorin thought of him- a useless, burdensome extension. That way, he wouldn’t get any funny ideas.

“Hmph”, Thorin huffed, “I had thought your greatest asset was your sharp tongue. Or have you lost that as well?”

Watching Bilbo gulp, Thorin couldn’t help but feel that that could have gone a bit better. He felt an inexplicable urge to embrace the hobbit and comfort him.

“And do us all a favour. Cover yourself up”, Thorin spat, put his bowl on the ground, and stood up, “Nori, first watch.”

“Yessir”, Nori said quietly, his eyes flicking to Bilbo, whose mouth was so tightly shut, his jaw was twitching from the effort.

Thorin then walked away into the woods. Nobody dared to question why, of course, but I’m afraid most dwarves wouldn’t have believed the truth even if you told them. That their leader was having a violent wank, fantasizing about a certain burglar, that sounded too absurd to be true.

 

By midnight, the whole company was asleep, except for Dwalin, who had the turn after Nori. Thorin sat down by his old friend, smoking his pipe and somewhat calmed (as well as ashamed)by his expedition to the woods earlier. They sat in a comfortable silence until Dwalin spoke a hushed:

“<Something’s bugging ye.>”

Thorin frowned. Of course Dwalin would see right through him.

“<Nothing’s bugging me>”, Thorin muttered with the pipe between his lips,”<and if it was, has it crossed your mind that we are on what is considered a suicidal mission? That might cause some anxiety.>”

Dwalin shook his head, “<Nay, this is something else. Yer tense. Uncomfortable. There is something about ye.>”

Thorin looked at Dwalin, weighted his options, then took a mighty inhale of his pipe and said after an equally heavy exhale, “<The burglar.>”

“<What about the burglar?>”

Thorin leaned closer to his friend in the fashion of a conspirator, “<Look at the way he dresses and behaves. Does he look like a warrior to you? If I had to hazard a guess about his profession, I’d set my bets on the oldest profession of all.>”

Dwalin snorted, “<I have te agree with ye there. He looks more ready to fuck a lord than to slay a dragon!>”

“<Indeed. But you don’t suppose…>” Thorin said, feeling a bit sheepish with sharing his theories about the hobbit, “<you don’t suppose he does it on purpose, do you?>”

“<What, like->” Dwalin’s eyes widened, “<You?>”

“<Lately, I’ve noticed he often stands very close to me. He even looked me in the eye four times today.>” Thorin licked his lips and breathed smoke, “<It would hardly be the first time a stranger tries to seduce a royal, Dwalin.>”

“<No, I shouldn’t think so, but…>” Dwalin said, then broke into a disbelieving grin, “>noo, no, not the hobbit. He may dress like a whore, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen anybody less ready to seduce another.  So nervous!>”

“<I believe you underestimate him.>” Thorin said gravely, thinking back on how Bilbo had cocked his head to the side, most deliberately showing Thorin the best place to nibble on. That vixen was a menace!

“<What? Ye feelin’ a bit seduced?>” Dwalin mocked playfully, then, when Thorin didn’t answer, he added, a bit worried, “<ye aren’t are ye?>”

“<I’d have to be blind not to notice the… that the hobbit has a certain. That his appearance…>”

“<Durin’s beard, Thorin, ye’ve got to be kidding me!> Dwalin cried, “<he dresses like a bloody tart. Fine. But his looks? I’ve never seen ever a babe so hairless!>”

Bilbo had no hair on his face, no, or on his arms or legs. But Thorin couldn’t say that he found that unappealing, no. Actually, he found it rather… exciting.

“<Yes, yes, I s’pose you’re right.>”

“<Don’t ye  ‘suppose’ me anythin’. Have ye buggered him?>”

“<By Mahal, what do you think me! Of course I haven’t>” Thorin hissed.

“<But ye’d like to>”, Dwalin sighed and rubbed his forehead, “<lord, Thorin, I thought it was something more serious that troubled ye. This has a very simple solution.>”

Thorin’s cheeks went a bit pink at the thought of such a solution, “<No.>”

“<Oh, but why not? Must ye make everything complicated? He can’t bear children, I doubt he would deny you, and nobody would have to know!>”

“<He would know, would he not!>” Thorin argued, feeling vey much like a child, “<I’m certain this has been his objective all along. I can’t let him win, can I.>”

Dwalin groaned and put a hand on Thorin’s shoulder, “<Look, Thorin. Yer a very wise dwarf, and the best king we could possibly have. But right now, you are being an outright fool! The Halfling hasn’t made any evil scheme to seduce ye- it’s all in yer head!>”

“<You are wrong>”, Thorin said and shook his head, “<I know he’s after the throne, I can feel it.>”

“<In what? In yer cock? No, look here. I know for a fact that the Halfling went out for a midnight walk. He’s over there, behind those rocks. Talk to him. See where that leads.>”

“<I could confront him about his whorish ways towards me>”, Thorin admitted.

Dwalin patted Thorin’s back with a very tired expression, “<Ye do that. It might help.>”

Thorin stood up, dropped his pipe and began walking towards the rocks, his stomach fluttering pleasantly.

It didn’t take Thorin much to find the Hobbit. He was sitting by a tree, looking down at his hands. He had taken off his coat, and his shoulders were slumped.

Thorin cleared his throat, causing Bilbo to wince.

“Thorin!” Bilbo exclaimed, “is it. ‘s it my turn to watch?”

“No.” Thorin said simply and sat down beside him.

“Oh. Then…” Bilbo said awkwardly, eyeing Thorin up and down, “uhm. Good.”

Thorin had no doubt Bilbo was wondering what Thorin was doing there, and why he was invading his private space. However, Thorin could not just find the words to say what he wanted to express. He wasn’t even sure what he wanted to express. It was hard to express anything with Bilbo sitting there, naked as he was. 

“You…” Thorin tried, “you’ve taken off your jacket.”

Bilbo looked at Thorin, “Yes. I. I have.”

“Why?”

“Why…? Well it’s. It’s warm enough to-“

Thorin shook his head, interrupting Bilbo, and said:

“No, no, you are never dressed enough”, Thorin said, and tried to think of the best way to put this, “your ankles. You show them off constantly, not to mention your neck.”

“My-What about my neck?” Bilbo asked, leaning just a bit closer to Thorin.

 _Your neck is what keeps me awake at night_ , Thorin bit back, and instead said, “It’s completely exposed.”

“Yes”, Bilbo said, “and?”

“By Mahal, have you no shame!” Thorin shouted, his cheeks ablaze, “What kind of a hobbit are you?”

“I’m- I’m a very respectable hobbit, thank you very much!”

“So you keep saying”, Thorin growled, “and yet, look at you. All that naked skin! Burglar, are you so desperate for  someone to take you, you have forgotten about propriety?”

Bilbo simply looked at Thorin for a while with his mouth awake. Then, with his face crimson as a ripe cherry, he spluttered: “Wha-Desperate. What are- What are you saying!? I- I most certainly am not d-desperate for. For such unmentionable activities. No, thank you!”

“Don’t try to fool me. hobbit”, Thorin growled and pulled  Bilbo closer by his arm, “you… you keep looking at me… trying to. Trying to confuse me, and you’re good, I must say. But I am not to be seduced by your tactics, do you hear?”

Thorin’s heart beat very fast, reacting to his proximity to the hobbit. If Thorin just tilted his head a bit, he would be able kiss him. What Thorin noticed though, was that Bilbo didn’t look at all like someone wanting to be kissed.

“You. Thorin, you think I’m. That I am trying to seduce you?” Bilbo asked in a high-pitched tone.

“Do you deny it?” Thorin whispered.

“Yes!” Bilbo said, “Yes, yes. In fact, I have never heard such a foolish notion. Really, Thorin, I am not. You can let me go. Thank you!” With that, Bilbo stood and tried to walk away, but was hindered by Thorin, who took a tight grip of his forearm.

“Then, you do not…”, Thorin breathed, “you do not desire me?”

It should not feel as bad as it did, but it did: Thorin felt as though ice was running through his veins. Not only that, but his insides seemed to have grown very heavy. The fact that Bilbo did not want him, as Thorin had thought, was a fact that made the breath catch in his throat. It wasn’t right. Bilbo was supposed to be desperate for him. He should not be the one who felt empty without the hobbit.

Bilbo’s gaze softened, “Thorin, I…”

“No, I wish not to hear it”, Thorin said brusquely, “I apologize for my assumption. I… I believe I have embarrassed myself enough for a lifetime. Good night.”

”Thorin”, Bilbo called, but Thorin didn’t answer.

”What could you possibly want more?” Thorin snarled, “When you have already stripped me ‘of anything resembling pride! I said ‘good night’, and whether that may not be true as it is, I do not wish to speak of it anymore.”

“I have no wish- Thorin, I don’t want to embarrass- Thorin, would you stop!” Bilbo cried and grabbed Thorin’s bicep. Thorin tried to swat Bilbo’s hand away, but the hobbit had a firm grip on his sleeve, “Thorin!”

“What!!” Thorin shouted so loudly Bilbo’s ears hurt, “Just…  just let me leave, and… and cover yourself up, I don’t want to look at you!”

This was, of course, a lie. Tonight, Bilbo looked stunning- his cheeks were rosy, his neck bare and a bit flushed... it all made a cocktail of traits that made him want to-

No, stop it at once. Have you not embarrassed the dwarven race enough for a lifetime?

“But… listen. Will you just! Listen”, Bilbo said, “you needn’t be embarrassed. And you have nothing to apologize for. I was. I was just shocked.”

“This conversation is over.” Thorin said, but found it difficult to speak- his cheeks were so warm they hurt.

“L-listen! E- even if I said. I wasn’t trying to… but. But I. I wouldn’t be adverse if. If you wanted to. Uh. Yeah. I. I really do admire you, Thorin.”

Thorin stilled, then turned his head to Bilbo, who shrugged and smiled a small smile. Could this be true? After all this mess, the hobbit admired him? Admiration. Such a volatile feeling. If Thorin played his cards right, that could easily turn into something more.

“Indeed?” Thorin asked, just above a whisper, “you- still, after I-“

“Yes.” Bilbo said, “but you will have to. To court me. I won’t have any fooling around before the third step.”

“No, of course not”, Thorin said quietly, “then you...”

“I have no problem with the idea of... of..." Bilbo said quietly, "it's just... I didn't know, but. I'd very much like to be. Be with you. Honestly, I thought... I thought you hated me."

"Hated you? No, no, I", Thorin begun, but the words to describe what he felt about the hobbit eluded him. After all, he had hated him a bit, but that hate was so mixed in a cloud of other emotions, it was impossible to say what he was experiencing, "I was confused."

"I was confused by you too", Bilbo admitted, "But I... I still... I want to get to know you better."

"Hm." Thorin said, a bit distracted by the redness on Bilbo's cheeks, "you will. May I kiss your cheek?"

Thorin was not the most smooth of seducers, he knew, but Bilbo didn't seem to object. The hobbit nodded, and Thorin leaned forward to press his lips against Bilbo's flushed skin. Bilbo smelled like earth and something sweet, and Thorin thought he'd never encountered such a delicious scent. He pulled back and looked into Bilbo's eyes. 

Dwalin had been right, he thought. As much as Bilbo dressed scandalously, there was no way that this beautifully innocent creature could possibly be any kind of manipulator.

"Goodnight, Burglar", Thorin whispered.

"Goodnight, Thorin", Bilbo said quietly, licked his lips, and added, "you may... if you want... you can kiss my mouth, also."

Thorin's eyes flicked down to Bilbo's mouth, then back up to his eyes. He nodded, closed his eyes, and slowly leaned in. As the distance between them was closed, the warmth in Thorin's gut grew worse and worse, until he could feel Bilbo's hot breath on his lips, and pushed them together.

The touch was very shy, and very tentative; so light that it was almost nothing more than a small bump of two pairs of lips. Thorin wanted to do things right once and for all, so he didn't want to frighten his burglar.  His whole being burned for more, but after just two seconds, he drew back.

"Thank you", Thorin said and walked away.

 

It was only when Thorin wrapped himself up in his bedroll with a small, very silly smile on his face, he realized that he had lost completely to the burglar. It was also then he realized that he didn’t care at all. After all, it was only positive to have a sneaky burglar that knew how to get inside such a well.-guarded place as Thorin Oakenshield’s heart, and get away with it.

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> ...this piece of stupid was written on the bus with an iphone. i apologize. 
> 
>  
> 
> ....thorin you have so many issues. just. no.


End file.
